connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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