nut hugger
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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