hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
