They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize