Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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