Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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