Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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