That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
