I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
