I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
