Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
