roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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