Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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