Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
