I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
