I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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