I got chris browned last night
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
