Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
