if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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