I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
