I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
