Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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