He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
