hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
