What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
