Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
