Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
