Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
