Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
