I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
