apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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