dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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