i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
