You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
