he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
