I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Randomize
