Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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