On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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