Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
