mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
