I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
