we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
