Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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