life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Rumble strips road head = magical
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
