So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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