I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
