There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
