My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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