i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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