You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
