What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize