saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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