i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
