you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
