Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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