I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I deserve to be covered in dicks
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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