Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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