I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
