so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
