Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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