If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
