I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
