He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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