i just had sex bonerless
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
