Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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